It's not too late

It's not too late to chase that dream
It's not too late even though so it may seem
It's not too late to realize where you should be
It's not too late to just let go to achieve where you are meant to be
Get up with purpose and take that risk
Quit that job you know you wouldn't miss
So easy to say but difficult to do
Believe me when I say I know you want to
Here I am, a free spirit locked up
Suppressing these thoughts that keep on rising up
These bonds of my own creation
I want to break them with this realization
To do what feels right and resolve this emptiness
God knows I have tried to ensure my own happiness
But every once in a while it dissapears without a trace
And I start back at square one left with these thoughts once again to face  

Faces

"She had blue skin

And so did he.

He kept it hid

And so did she.

They searched for blue

Their whole life through.

Then passed right by-

And never knew."

- Shel Silverstein

The above lines really struck a chord in me and got me thinking of how we all go through our lives with masks on our faces. Multiple ones that we don for every situation - one for friends, one for family, one at work, one for the masses and let's not forget the one that we wear with ourselves. Because somewhere in the midst of all the different faces we loose the quality of being aware of who we really are, of being able to face the truth of our own personalities. There are a few people who are ready to be honest with themselves and live with the consequences of their decisions. Most of the time we shove it down deep inside, make ourselves believe that what was done was a necessary evil and that it is not who we truly are. We put a smile on our faces while dealing with the masses, go with the flow, pretending to not have a care in the world shoving down the internal turmoil. Then there are those of us who hide away ourselves since we are afraid to voice the truth, voice our actual opinion, afraid of not fitting in anymore. So we put on a front that would let us be part of the 'inner circle', let us enjoy the few moments of inclusion.

Is this what interaction gets reduced to? What is the point of choosing to surround yourself with people with whom you can't be real, can't be yourself. But this what by and large has become of society; pretending to be something you are not, pretending to show the world how 'happening' things are for you - that is what life has become all about. And while I agree that it is necessary to wear these masks, it is also necessary to not to let them take over who you truly are, to always ensure that you may show the world a different side but at the end of the day you can still be honest with yourself and hopefully those you hold dear. It is necessary to voice your opinion from time to time and not be afraid of what people will think, to do what feels right by you and not what the society wants you to do. You never know the opportunities and relationships you may be loosing out on just because you are too busy 'fitting in', too busy being someone you are not.

So sit yourself down from time to time and do some self introspection. Try to dig deep and separate yourself from who you portray to be so that while you may fake it in public you can still be true to yourself. 

Forever and always

Standing on the shore watching the waves roll in
She looked upon his shadow in a daze.
She watched his wings spread, the beckoning of his hand
She stood mesmerized by his eyes and his crooked smile
A surge of longing passed through her to gravitate to his side
But something held her back, kept her from stepping off the shore
And then she heard the voice calling out her name
Desperation laced this voice, pleading with her to step away
Requesting her to turn back, to come back towards the day
She looked around confused but her eyes met only his
She watched her feet walk into the water, pulling her in deeper
Who was she to fight this longing, this need to be with him
He simply stood there silently knowing she would come
Not a single soul had ever escaped his call
But once again the voice pierced the silence, screaming out her name
Begging her to stay, to not leave him all alone
Her head jerked towards the shore and that's when she saw
The scruffy man with the kindest eyes, the eyes she had first fallen for
She paused mid step, her head sweeping back and forth
She looked at the man she loved and remembered the life she'd leave behind
And yet her body yearned to go deeper, to explore the unknown
She saw his knees buckle, all hope vanishing from his eyes
That's when the illusion shattered, she rushed back to his side
Kneeling before him, she held his face and whispered those three words
Forever and always.

Destiny - A matter of choice or chance

Coming back to writing on my blog right now feels like a 'long time no see' moment. It's been over a year since my last post and I can give a million reasons for it, lack of inspiration or a busy schedule etc... but I'd rather just get on with what I've come to write.

People are of the belief that the life you lead is the result of all the decisions you have taken but what if that wasn't true. Have you ever thought whether a persons path in life is already set in stone or is it that every decision they make will change the way their life is headed?
This thought was a result of a conversation I had with my parents while at dinner and a movie called the Adjustment Bureau. My dad was telling me about how practically everything that was predicted for one of our relatives by a 'Jyotish' came true and that there might be some value to the kundalis written at birth. The movie showed that every person has a particular life plan and that the best way for their life is if it moves according to the plan. But then doesn't this simply mean that each person has no free will; if everything is already decided and if these predictions are setting out how a person should live their life then how does the individual decisions of a person impact their life. Is it that all our decisions will take us to the same end as predicted leaving us with just the illusion of free will when in reality it's all pre decided?
I can't get myself to agree that there is only one set path that has been predicted at birth, I believe that each of our decisions has the power to change the future and give rise to new possibilities. Maybe there is a plan laid out for people but it's the choices they make that matter. Maybe there are multiple roadways laid out for every person and their choices have the ability to alter their destiny even if minutely. Only then would it be true to say that it's you yourself who is driving your life. What would be the point of possessing the ability to weigh pros and cons if it is possible to know in advance which way a life is headed and know that that is the only way there is?
Why would a person be responsible for the consequences of their decisions if their future is already decided by whatever forces one would like to believe in? If things are already decided for a person then it would lead to the conclusion that the people you surround yourself with are also already decided after all the choice to befriend a person is just that, a choice. The fact that someone has the ability to predict your future and be right about it has to mean that the future is set and that your choices won't make any difference to what will happen. How then is a persons life a culmination of their choices, how then can it be said that the people you surround yourself with will make you who you are?
Truly believing that what has been written at birth is how your life is going to be is nothing more than taking away your own ability to make your own destiny and giving yourself a way to blame something over which you had no control when things go wrong.

What Matters Is The Journey

Recently circumstances made me wonder about the "What If's" in my life. I wondered whether my choices have led me down the correct path, the path that I was meant to be on or whether my life was supposed to be entirely different from the one I am living. Would I have been happier in this alternate reality with wholly different choices or am I happier now?
Some would say having these thoughts are silly, that what is the point in wondering about things that aren't a possibility but I feel everyone is ruled by their what ifs at some point in life even if they don't go into too much depth in these thoughts but then again this is me. People who know me know that I tend to over think a little too much than an average person would.
Why do people have the tendency to wonder more about the differences in their choices rather than just living with them, gaining an acceptance of their actions. I believe it's mainly because every person is struggling to find their own version of happiness. Every human being wants their own piece of a happy ending ( I think binge watching Once upon a time is showing an effect on my writing :P) But are we going about finding our happiness in the right way? What defines happiness? It's never going to be a state of being, not when life is such that things are constantly changing. You have to learn to take the good with the bad, focus on life's adventures and not on the possibility of another path or choice. Happiness is not a destination, it's the very path. It's in most of the experiences in life and it's necessary to learn to cherish them.
But we are all always unsatisfied, always wanting something more and what that more is, most of us have no clue. Rather that enjoy the journey, we are more focused on the end goal, our destination but what we fail to understand is that there is no end except of course "the end". You achieve one goal and you are onto the next one, nothing will ever be enough, it's just a persons inherent nature. It's not wrong to want more in your life, what's wrong is failing to be aware of the moments in life while you are trying to achieve this ever elusive 'more'.
It's necessary to be present in life and enjoy the moments that make up all the memories because in the end that is what will matter the most, not whether you achieved all your goals but the people you met along the way, the people you brought happiness and made proud. The people, the moments, the memories is what get's every person through life and are the most vivid things to remember in the end.       

The Not So Final Verdict

Sometimes you cant help but wonder why certain things happen when they do and you are left thinking 'why me'. At the same time you are vaguely aware that there are people worse off than you but in that moment all you can do is feel the sorrow, the feeling of why did this happen when you did everything right and dealt with all the hurdles in your path.
You gave your best even when circumstances were quite bad, tons of people wished the best for you, had confidence in you and your own desire for the right outcome was always present. But even after all this, things just do not go your way, life and fate just decide to screw you over, I can hear their conversation, "oh, she hasn't nearly dealt with enough troubles, let's give her some more!"
I'm not saying things have to be all roses and rainbows but I could use a break for once! and no this is not a situation where the line 'if life gives you lemons make lemonade" would apply, well I can't, because the lemons handed to be are over ripe and blackened.
I wanted to move forward, to not be stuck doing the same thing all over again for the second time in my life. I already went through it once and did not need it to happen again, did not deserve it to happen again. How the hell am I supposed to go back to the same position I was in last year! I just wished that for once in my life things would work out, just once. But it doesn't and I doubt I will ever have it easy, I'm learning to deal with it though. I know for a fact that I am dealing with the failure better this time than the last and I know that I won't give up easily (well atleast not till I give one more attempt! :P), after that I will probably just decide, hell with it, I am doing my MBA and opening a vineyard with "the love of my life :P"
So here I go again, back to the start, back to rubbing my nose to the grindstone (i.e. my CA final books) and back to sitting in that damned chair which I very much wanted to burn once I was done with the papers the first time around but sentimental value of my father triumphed and it's still there taunting me, telling me that I'm stuck with it :(
We can't always have what we want, but I still am a believer of the fact that things will work out in the end, there may be rocks in the way or mountains but eventually you do get the view from the top and I hope mine comes soon.

The Never Ending Path

Thoughtless, sightless, pathless,
I feel I'm lost at sea.
Just moving with no direction,
Lost in a wirlwind of maybe.
I can't tell which way is up,
But down this road I go.
The end unseen , the goal unknown,
Hoping for some possibilities.
And now I wait for the outcome,
A sign that'll let me know,
That where I am is where I must be,
That things will look up eventually.
I will find my way to my dreams,
However difficult it may be.